Self Sabotage and Control

Self-sabotage in therapeutic terms refers to behaviors, thought patterns, or actions that individuals engage in, consciously or unconsciously, that interfere with their own goals, well-being, or success. This phenomenon often arises from underlying psychological conflicts, fears, or unresolved emotional issues. In therapy, self-sabotage is explored to identify the root causes and develop healthier coping mechanisms. However, some argue that self-sabotage is what we do when we’re afraid and want to control the outcome (LePera, 2024). One of the most fascinating (and misunderstood) aspects of human behavior is how strong the pull towards the familiar is, even if that familiar is miserable or keeping us stuck (LePera, 2024). When someone says they self-sabotage, what they’re really saying is: “I make sure I can control the outcome because that feels the most safe” (LePera, 2024).

Self-sabotage can be self-destructive and sometimes reflect one’s own self-worth. Our behaviour can be understood as an attempt to protect ourselves and regulate our nervous system. Our brains so badly want to be certain - even if the certain outcome we create is painful - at least it’s known.

Key Features of Self-Sabotage

  1. Unconscious Patterns: Many self-sabotaging behaviors are driven by unconscious beliefs or fears, such as a fear of failure, fear of success, or low self-worth.

  2. Cognitive Distortions: Negative self-talk, catastrophizing, and perfectionism often underpin self-sabotaging actions.

  3. Behavioral Impact: Common manifestations include procrastination, self-doubt, relationship conflicts, or avoidance of responsibilities.

  4. Emotional Regulation Issues: Difficulty managing emotions like anxiety, guilt, or shame often fuels self-sabotage.

Examples in Real Life

  • Procrastination: Delaying important tasks despite knowing the negative consequences.

  • Self-Medicating: Using substances or unhealthy habits to avoid dealing with difficult emotions.

  • Imposter Syndrome: Undermining achievements by attributing them to luck or external factors rather than skill or effort.

  • Relationship Patterns: Engaging in toxic or avoidant behaviors that prevent healthy connections.

Causes of Self-Sabotage

  1. Low Self-Esteem: Feeling undeserving of success or happiness.

  2. Fear of Change: Resistance to stepping outside comfort zones, even if staying stagnant is harmful.

  3. Childhood Conditioning: Learned behaviors from early experiences, such as harsh criticism or unpredictable environments.

  4. Internalized Beliefs: Holding onto limiting beliefs like "I'm not good enough" or "I always fail."

Therapeutic Approaches to Address Self-Sabotage

  1. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT):

    • Identifies and reframes negative thought patterns.

    • Challenges cognitive distortions and replaces them with constructive thinking.

  2. Mindfulness-Based Practices:

    • Encourages awareness of self-sabotaging behaviors and their triggers.

    • Helps clients stay present and reduce automatic responses.

  3. Psychodynamic Therapy:

    • Explores unresolved past conflicts or traumas that contribute to self-sabotage.

    • Aims to increase self-awareness and resolve inner conflicts.

  4. Behavioral Strategies:

    • Sets realistic goals and builds small, achievable steps toward change.

    • Reinforces positive behaviors through accountability and reward systems.

Outcomes of Addressing Self-Sabotage

When individuals confront self-sabotaging tendencies in therapy, they often experience:

  • Improved self-esteem and confidence.

  • Better alignment with personal values and goals.

  • Healthier coping mechanisms and emotional regulation skills.

  • Enhanced relationships and professional satisfaction.

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